It's been awhile

So, it's been awhile, but I'm finally getting around to posting a blog entry. Ashley Tisdale's new album "Guilty Pleasure" is surprising incredible. Check it out.

Grounded

I missed my bus because I overslept this morning so, I had to drive. I was running late and didn't have the time to stop and get gas. So, against my better judgment, I decided I'd chance it and just go and chance it. I ended up running out of gas halfway there and was an hour late to school. Not only did I have to sit on the side of the highway for 45 minutes in a cold car, but I'm also grounded because I'm "irresponsible." When I was trying to get to school on time.

FML.

Love and Life

I often ask myself what the meaning of life is. Why am I here? Is it to love? Be happy? In The Pursuit of Happyness, Will Smith says that maybe the pursuit of happiness is just that. Something you pursue, but can never achieve. You're always striving to be happy. Maybe we're never happy. Maybe we're always trying to get there, get to that bliss we so crave, but the pursuit, the chase, always keeps us from being happy. What if no one is ever actually happy, only temporarily content. I know I've had times where I thought I was completely happy, but within a few weeks I was back to being depressed and just sick of everything. Love has always been a struggle in my life, especially being a gay man. I've never been in a serious relationship that lasted. I'm beginning to wonder if the white knight on the shining horse is real or mere fairy tale. I'm starting to think it's all a hoax to keep the hopeless romantics of the world yearning for the perfect life. I keep thinking one day some hunky prince will sweep me off my feet onto is white steed, galloping off into the sunset... okay, so not quite. But I do have a dream of meeting someone worthwhile. I want someone to take my breath away. Is true love even real? Is there such a thing as being in love? Why is that is always when I'm single that these things seem to pop into my head? It's hard to believe the fairy tales and movies when nothing like that ever happens. Relationships are just hard and messy. I'm the sad hopeless romantic who believes in roses and beaches and real, truthful, raw, true love.

Now I'm starting to think the happyily ever after ending I'm so desperately looking for doesn't exist.

War is

Pain
Tears
Destruction
Anger
Guilt
Blood
Rubble
Death
Sadness
Plague
Loneliness
Hatred
Suffering

I hate war.

Is Love "Meant To Be?"

Love. Hmph. Love is a difficult subject for me to talk about. Aside from my cynical nature, I don't really know why it's so difficult. Probably because I've pretty much failed every relationship I've been in. I've never really been in a relationship where I've been totally 100% happy (is it even possible to have that?).

Now, to my main point, is anything "meant to be?"
Do we make our own destiny or is everything "meant to work out" in the end? I've always believed that I make my own destiny, that nothing is decided for me. If that's so, how is anything ever meant to be? It would seem that there is just you deciding the future you want, which, in my book, is a scary thought. Not everyone dies happy with everything thing they've ever wanted at their side. The homeless guy that starves in a downtown alley, is that how it was "meant to be?" Or the rich man with everything but happiness, is that how is life was "meant" to pan out? I don't believe everyone gets what they want, which makes it really hard to think about my life/death. What's going to happen to me? Will I get everything I want in life? My biggest fear is dying alone. Whenever I try to talk to someone the only answer I can get is, "If it's meant to be, it'll work out." But if I don't believe anything is "meant to be," does that mean nothing will work out? I'm so afraid of spending my entire life with one person. I only get one to live and I don't want to screw it up while I'm here. It's just a scary thought. It would seem the only option I have is time. I have to wait it out, and to make the right decisions. To me, nothing is ever "meant to be."

Monday

It's Monday and I'm über tired.
I couldn't really sleep last night. I didn't actually go to sleep until 2 or so.
Now, I'm fighting off sleep, trying to stay awake in class.
I hate Mondays.

Matt Doyle

I met Matt Doyle last night (which was technically the night before last because it's now past midnight). He was amazing. I don't understand how someone so awesome can be so humble and normal. I asked to take a picture and he said, "Oh, yeah, sure!" Like he was suprised I would want to take a picture with him. He's just awsome like that.

So, I saw Spring Awakening last night, as well, and I was very pleased. No, I'm totally kidding. I was insanely blown away. I had never seen anything like it. I'm already planning to see it again in June in Louisville, KY. Though, it won't be the amazing Matt Doyle, it will, however, be Kyle Riabko as Melchoir, whom I've heard is also excellent.

I will keep anyone out there actually reading this posted on how everything goes.

jesse.